From: darktormentum@lake_of_fire.org

 

To: screamingtorture@ tormentmasters.com

 

 

Well, Glimslug, my old student! What a remarkable week you have had. Thirteen fresh souls brought to our Dread Master, a promotion to Darkness Fourth Level, and a personal commendation to hang in that sorry hovel of yours (although rumor has it that His Darkness is about to transfer you to some much more comfortable digs as a reward for this latest round of exploits on behalf of the Underworld).

 

Such a pleasant night of celebration, feasting upon the souls of foolish rebels you dragged down to Our Master’s table! My, that plump little German bishop was a tasty morsel, was he not? Made even better, of course, by the fact that I trained you and therefore received the great pleasure of hearing my name spoken of repeatedly:

 

“Oh, that Infernus. What a wonderful trainer he is!” “Did you know that Glimslug was personally tutored by Infernus, the master of all trainers?”  “There is no better trainer in the whole Underworld than Infernus. Why, look at how well his student has performed!” 

 

And on and on and on. What a rich banquet of pride you set at my table. I hope my old nemesis, Screwtape, was choking on every word. The jealous look of  envy he gave me across the room was like a refreshing bath in red-hot coals. Stupendous! 

 

I also have a nice bit of news for you regarding your latest accomplishments. Our Dark Master has been of late rather annoyed with lack of quality textbooks being used at Imp School. After carefully going over the notes and videos on your performance, he has commissioned me to put together a new textbook, using your latest success as the new standard for young demons. He is impressed with you, which is nothing to snuff at, since in the eons of time he has been around, he has seen many of us matriculate and enter into his service. Imagine the honor that will come from this for generations to come: Glimslug, trainee and student of the Master Trainer, Infernus!

 

Wicked spirits for centuries yet to come will speak of how well you followed my instruction and how valiantly you served the Underworld under my most noble instruction. This is no small matter, my fine young demon! Times have changed for the humans we so loathe, and with the changes that have taken place, we must adapt ourselves accordingly. You have shown remarkable ability to do so, which is a great reflection upon my leadership and abilities.

 

For instance, this delightful new game, the “Charlie Charlie Challenge,” which you recently came up with. Very cunning of you to figure out that the humans have a real negative sense about our  Ouija Board and to circumvent it with something that sounds so innocent, but in reality enslaves those who ignore the warnings of our Enemy’s Church and clergy. This road to damnation was made much easier by the latest sex scandal in the Enemy’s Church - hardly anyone in or outside of the Enemy’s Church gives a fig about what a priest or bishop says - but nonetheless, you appear to be a thinking demon’s demon. It also shows me that you listened to me when I taught you Rule 174:  the more innocent an evil is made to appear, the more the stupid hairless apes will flock to it, throwing their souls ignorantly right into our hands. 

 

There was a time, my fine young trainee, that when the Enemy’s Church spoke, the human vermin actually listened to and heeded what was being taught. Not any more – and good for us! Do you see how you are the recipient of decades of solid work in destroying the credibility of the Church?  A hundred years ago, a priest or bishop would have condemned Charlie Charlie and that would have been the end of it. Now people either laugh and say that the Church is out of date, or they ignore the Church entirely, claiming it is nothing more than a conclave of child molesters not worthy of listening to. We have won significant territory in the last decade, and all because back in the 1950's, Pignoscerous came up with the brilliant idea of infiltrating the Enemy’s Church with Russian Communists.  They invaded the Enemy’s Church, pretended to become priests, and then like termites began to eat away at the moral and theological foundations of the whole edifice from within. We only lack a little more work, a bit more application, and very soon the Enemy’s hated Church will be a useless appendage of a time gone by, filled with old women and a few clingers-on who are bat-crap crazy. Not a pretty sight, and certainly not one that will attract any young people to investigate the Enemy or His Church. Your little invention - "Charlie Charlie Challenge" - is a perfect diversion from a Church steeped in irrelevance, schism, and bizarre teachings that their Early Fathers knew nothing of.  Well played, sir!

 

And now we have three choice souls upon which we shall feast for a while, compliments of the ingenious little game. you invented. Small wonder you received your promotion. And in addition, there were the four Germans, including that tasty bishop. What is it with those Germans? I mean, really, Luther was all too easy, and these people are just like him. Perhaps it is in their gene pool to be obstinate, rebellious, and egotistical. You know, that “German engineering” thing they are so proud of with their automobiles. I suppose they think somehow that technical and mechanical expertise translates into an ability to have theological precision. You really don’t have much work to do with the bishops in this country - just stay in the shadows, puff on their pride occasionally to be sure they don’t entertain any foolish ideas of humility, and wait for them to show up in a shipment of fresh souls some day down the road. We have far more work to do in Africa, which is becoming extremely unstable. Unlike the bishops in Germany, the bishops in Africa actually believe in such principles as obedience, fidelity to revealed truth, and Holy Tradition. This is a bad bunch, and they are showing signs of being a considerable nuisance to our work in that country. You are quite fortunate you have not been assigned to one of them as a subject.

 

Nonethless, a very good week for me - and for you. You have brought much honor and well-deserved pride to my name, therefore, I am going to make an offer of the kind which I don’t normally tender to those so far in rank below me. Since you are my sister’s whelp, and you have done so well to bring honor to my name, come over this evening and I shall uncork a bottle of Old Clovenhoof with which we shall toast my remarkable brilliance as your trainer!

 

Your proud trainer and master,

 

 

Uncle Infernus